Last month was very hard one month for me. Or I felt so especially because July was perfect month for me. I can say I had the best days ever with my great friends. After coming back to Japan, almost all things were not going well as if I tried to fix it, there was a big power against my energy. I supposed it was just a challenge I got sometimes and would not keep for a long time. But things were not so easy. Have I ever had such a struggle month? Maybe, no. A trouble can happen any time and if I feel hurt, I still have energy to learn something from the experience. However, this time, I had to keep some pain for almost whole one month, could not control them well and still could not make sure what I should learn from these experiences.
My close friends often said to me “you are lucky”. I did not remember why he/she thought so. But I guess he/she thought I had more opportunities on my hand than them to achieve something what I wanted. For instance, there are many people who have vision of their life and it was clear for them how they can achieve it. However, less money doesn’t allow them even taking the first step for their future. After noticing it, I became more aggressive to get whatever I wanted. At least I have more opportunity than others, it is necessarily to get it instead of people who cannot make it easily. So far, I got everything. Some things were lost but I don’t care about them because if I gave up to get it, it means those were not exactly the thing I really wanted. I almost cannot remember what those were after few months. In addition, actually, I felt not good against their words, “you are lucky”, because it sounds like all things has been achieved because of only my luck except my effort.
One elder friend said to me when I was student, “You may not understand the feeling of people who lost something if you’ve never lost.”Sometimes, I remember her words. I could not understand the meaning at that time. If I need to know the feeling, I cannot make me lose by myself. So I should just wait for the moment comes to my life. Recently, I think I was just lucky so far and I have started to learn how is the feeling “lost”. And I’m wondering if I can be strong when I face “lost” like some friends who has already lost something and still keep being strong.
Things seem getting better than last month. But the energy against me lie down there and I am still trying to resist pressure from it. The door opened 60 % for me at least now. But it is very heavy and it will be closed soon when I left my hands from it. So I’ve not had energy to use for making sure what I should learn from last month yet. If I lose something important after long time in this month, it will be much harder for me to be patient than last month and I’m afraid I cannot stand up to open the door again. And yet, I want to believe I can get everything if I do my best, and if I lose, it just means I did not do the best.